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If you haven’t read the first post I did about addiction, I recommend you read that first HERE so you understand why I’m posting these articles.

This is written by the wife of an addict who is still in the trenches of fighting addiction on a daily basis.  Still using.  Still lying.  Daily struggling.  And she waits.  And hopes.  And endures as much as she can to keep her family together and support the man she loves. She’s nothing short of incredible.  Stay strong my friend.  I see you and I have all the compassion in the world.

These are “the neighbors next door”.  The family you wouldn’t suspect has an addiction problem.  You truly never know what the people around you are going through.  And if you don’t think you personally know an addict, I promise you do.  You just don’t know it.

Here we go:

“When someone is diagnosed with a disease or an illness, it’s tragic and sad. People gather around and try to ease the burdens of that person and their family. They hold fundraisers and gatherings to lift their spirits. With the disease of addiction it is a little different. You don’t usually find people at your door with a casserole in hand.

People often think the person with addiction problems is the guy on the corner holding a sign, or the homeless man on the streets. In fact, it is your neighbor, church member, friend, sibling, parent, child and even your spouse.

My name is Lindsey and my husband is an addict. My world is a little different than others, (although we all have our trials.) It can be a life of uncertainty. You never know where your life will be in a year, or a month, or even the next day. There is no “fix” for this illness. You never know when it will pop up again. It is always lurking around just waiting for the addict to get weak. As the spouse you can’t fix it, change it, make someone better, or love them enough to make them well.

Some days there is peace and things are good and life is hopeful. Other days I feel like I am going crazy with questions going through my mind like, is my husband really sober today? Is that money he withdrew from the ATM really for lunch?  Is he really going to the gym, or am I going to get a phone call today that he’s in trouble? Is he going to die from this?

You don’t talk to people because they judge, give advice, and gossip.

It can be lonely sometimes when you are in the thick of things. I have found myself sitting on my bathroom floor wondering what I should do but, knowing there is nothing I can do. I cry, I get up, I take care of the kids, I clean the house, and I face another day because there is nothing else to do. I get scared, I feel utter fear, I worry, and I pray…….a lot! I pray that he will stay sober, he won’t hate himself, he won’t get hurt, and he won’t die. I pray for my family, for my kids, and for my own sanity. I pray to know how long I fight until I have to walk away.

I know in my heart my husband doesn’t want this illness just as much as I don’t want him to have it. He wants to be free from it but, it never leaves. We educate ourselves, we get support and we keep going a day at a time.

I know that it’s not an easy life but, I have learned so much from going through it. I have learned not to judge others, to be patient, to love, to be sensitive, and to have faith in God. I know that no matter what He will be there to sustain me.

I have an amazing husband who loves his kids, works hard for his family and is trying every day to stay clean. He might not always succeed but, he is fighting. I am grateful for that. I am grateful he is still in my life, that he is working hard to be the husband he so much desires to be. I am grateful for family who support us, friends who love me, and my beautiful family who I will continue to fight for everyday!”

I sat in the stands of a high school soccer game a few years ago and was horrified at the things people were saying.  And yelling.  At the referees.  At the players.  At the coaches.  At each other.  Things I won’t even repeat on a family friendly blog.  It was the worst I’ve ever seen/heard.  I’m not one for confrontation so I eventually just had to get up and move out of the stands before I spanked someone in the face and told them how ridiculous they sounded.  I was grateful my kids weren’t with me that day to see adults acting the way they were. And it has caused an internal debate on whether I want my kids playing team sports or not.

I grew up playing soccer and have spent my life out on the field instead of the stands.  So I wasn’t prepared for what went on.  When I was on the field, I would tune everything out (sometimes even my coach).  But now that I’m a spectator at these sports, I’m seeing a whole new world.  I think it’s getting worse than when I played sports.  And I can’t say I like it.

By default I became the coach of my 7 year old daughters soccer team.  I’m competitive.  I like to win (who actually likes to lose?).  But because of this one experience in the stands (piled on with other experiences on the sidelines at various sporting events–many of them with young kids) I became increasingly mindful of what I say to my team, how I say it, and when I say it.  I tell them before every game and during every half-time “Play as hard as you can.  Have fun.  If someone steals the ball from you, you get it back.  Be a good sport.  Don’t ever, ever give up.”  That’s it. No extra rewards for goals scored (or goals saved) besides a high-five and a “good job”.  No pressure to do more than they can.  No angry yelling.  And definitely no shaming.

Thus far, I have been incredibly lucky with the parents of the kids on my team.  But already, at the age of 7, I hear things coming out of parents (and coaches) mouths on other teams that make me want to shake them and ask “Why are we signing our kids up for team sports in the first place?  What’s the point?  What are the life lessons we’re trying to teach them through playing team sports?”  If we keep those things in perspective, I think the yelling and screaming and name-calling and threats (yea, threats, at a 7 year old sporting event) would quickly come to an end.

May we all collectively be more mindful about the things we say at sporting events.  Myself included.  To the other team, the coaches, the referees, AND to our own kids.  There is always an underlying “WHY” for signing our kids up for these things.  Playing sports and on teams can be a life-altering experience for good OR bad.   May we have a good solid WHY and may we keep that always in mind before anything comes out of our mouths.

Perhaps more cheering, more encouragement, more understanding for mistakes, more compassion, less anger, more love, more kindness.  And more awareness that the things we say matter and they impact people in ways we may never know.  Especially our own kids who are always listening and paying attention to what we say and do.  We can be competitive without being a jerk.  I promise.

Onto a lighter note.  Photos that I took of our last game this season while coaching.  I’m a multi-tasker like that.

She hates pulling her hair up which drives me crazy.  I usually persuade her to, but forgot this day.

I have to remind these two to quit chatting throughout many of our games.  I think sometimes they forget they’re even playing soccer.

You can see I take my job quite serious.  (Photo credit–my 10 year old daughter)

Not sure why, but the after game “hand-shake” is always one of my favorite photos.

For a few weird reasons, we play many of our games without any subs (I use the goalie position as a rest for different players).  They dominate anyway.  Good, tough group of girls.

Man I love soccer.  And that beautiful girl.

I can’t imagine not having a place to call home.  Not knowing where I’ll sleep at night.  Nowhere to put my things.  Nowhere to feel truly safe.  Homeless.  My heart aches for the homeless.  For the ones who’ve just had a tough break.  For the mentally ill.  For the people who have no friends or family to fall back on.  For the addicts.  And the ones who’ve had unimaginable life circumstances that eventually landed them in a place I wish no one ever had to be.

I contacted the volunteer coordinator at our local homeless shelter and asked if I could take a tour.  I’ll be honest and admit I was a little nervous walking up to and in the homeless shelter.  I’d been there before, but there were a LOT of people outside.  And I had no idea what to expect.  I didn’t feel unsafe.  Just nervous.

Kelly (the volunteer coordinator who was so passionate about her job) walked us through the family section of the shelter first.  The shelter is open 24 hours a day.  When a family arrives at the shelter downtown, they are transported to another shelter until a family room becomes available.  While they wait for a room, they sleep in a big open room on cots in this “overflow” shelter.  Once a room becomes available, they are transported back to the downtown shelter.  The average stay for a family is 42 days.  Some only stay a week.  Some stay for months.  Some just need a quick breath and a little time to regroup and get themselves back together.

A typical family room.  If there are more than two kids, they move in another bunk bed or a crib.  My heart sank when I walked in here. I can’t imagine being a parent and not being able to provide my kids with a home for whatever reason.

Family room “closet”

There is a group playroom where volunteers can come and play games, do crafts, or read to the kids living in the shelter.  This room is critical for the kids at the shelter.  For obvious reasons, the parents at the shelter are at their lowest of lows.  Frustrated, lonely, scared, tired, beat-down.  Parenting is hard even when our life circumstances are acceptable.  I can’t imagine trying to parent when I have the stress (and guilt) of having nowhere to call home.  This room is where kids can just be kids.  And volunteers can come and play with those kids to help lighten the load (however small or large that may be) for the parent(s).

When someone donates things to the homeless shelter (you can usually find a list on your local homeless shelters website to see what they are most in need of) it comes into a sorting facility where people can get things they need.  At our shelter, you can donate things 7 days a week from 7 am to 7 pm.  You just drive up to the warehouse doors and they’ll take your stuff.  Just like dropping things off at the DI or Salvation Army.  You can donate all sorts of in-kind items as well as food.

This room below is where the men sleep.  The women’s rooms look similar.  People can “check in” at the homeless shelter at 10am.  They have to be out of the shelter by 7 am the next morning.  And then can check in again at 10am.  (This does not apply to families–there is no check-in/check-out system with them).  When my brother was staying there, they had to be out of the shelter by 7 am and couldn’t check in again until 4pm.  But the case managers didn’t have enough time to really get to know the people so they could actually help them.  So they started letting them back in at 10am so they could work with them and help get them back on their feet.

During that 3 hour break (which is when I was there), the entire facility gets cleaned.  We saw a lot of cleaning people milling about. And they did a pretty dang good job.   Since its inception decades ago, our homeless shelter has never turned anyone away (unless they are visibly high or drunk in which case they can go across the street to St. Vincent’s and stay there.).  If there aren’t enough beds in rooms, they pull out cots and put them in the hallways.  Or they transport people to the over flow shelter in another city about 15 minutes away.

A few more interesting things I learned (I learned a ton, but can’t put it all in one post):

**When someone comes to the shelter, there are  case managers there available to help them in any way.  Help with jobs.  Help with homes.  Help with anything.  They have a pretty incredible system set up there to help get people back on their feet.

**The stories of some of the people there are absolutely heartbreaking.  People JUST LIKE THE REST OF US.  Truly.  I often imagine what I would do if I didn’t have the education I have and the friends and family I have to fall back on if something catastrophic happened.  The people at the homeless shelter aren’t a bunch of addicts and mentally ill people.  Yes, some of them are, but some of them aren’t.  And even the ones who ARE addicts or mentally ill–they have a story too.  They have as much worth as anyone else.

**Often the people you see on the side of the road with the cardboard signs aren’t the ones utilizing the help at the homeless shelter.  Some of them are, but many of them aren’t.  Kelly told us they often don’t want the help.  But there is an “outreach team” of case managers who find them and offer them help.  Some accept it.  Many of them don’t.  For various reasons (often mental illness).

**As long as they are actively looking for housing or jobs, people can stay as long as they need.  There is no time limit at the shelter.

**There are currently 50 families and approximately 200 kids at the shelter.  FIFTY families.  Kills me.

**When someone (or a family) first arrives at the shelter, the number one priority is to give them what they need (food, clothes, etc).  Then they work on building relationships, get them whatever medical help they need, and help them with jobs/housing.

**We asked why people who are homeless don’t go somewhere warm.  Why stay in Utah over the winter??  Kelly has asked some of the homeless people this same question.  Their answer–“The people here respect us.  They don’t treat us like second-class citizens.”  This was SO good for my soul to hear.  It certainly isn’t always the case, but I hope it’s the majority of the time.  They truly are our equals whose souls have as much worth as ours.

I often wonder how I can help the homeless.  Like, REALLY help them.  But I realized there are already some systems in place that help them.  And sometimes what is really needed is people showing they actually care about these people’s tomorrows.  And people who are willing to donate money to keep the shelter running or in-kind things to support simple life-sustaining needs while the case workers, counselors, therapists, staff, and volunteers do the work of getting them back on their feet.

With this in mind, I am doing a specific drive for the homeless shelter.  If you are local (in Utah), I would LOVE for you to help me.

The details:

We are collecting things for the Road Home homeless shelter from today, Monday, November 17th until Sunday, November 23rd. We will be taking the stuff to the shelter on Monday, November 24th.

Please please please make sure all donations are either NEW or in GOOD CONDITION.  And PLEASE sort through the stuff before you bring it.   Last time I did this we filled an entire room in my house, three feet high full of bags.  And had to rent a UHaul to take the stuff down.  So I want to make sure everything we’re taking is worth taking.  🙂

Things we need:

**MONEY.  94% of donations go straight to the shelter and the people who come through there.  The shelter doesn’t run without monetary donations which leaves people with nowhere to go.  You can donate directly to the shelter through their website, OR, you can give the money to me and I’ll take it down.  Check or paypal.  If sending through paypal e-mail me for more info.  Every dollar counts.  Truly.

**SOCKS. New or very gently used.  Any and all sizes and colors.  Socks are like gold to people there or so my brother says.

**COATS.  All sizes for men, women, and children.

**BLANKETS.  New or gently used.

**HYGIENE ITEMS.  Also premium items and SO critical for them to feel “clean” and take care of their bodies.  Toothbrushes, toothpaste, small shampoos and conditioner, deodorant, lotion, razors, feminine hygiene items, diapers (size 3-5)

**WARM CLOTHES.  Coats, long sleeve shirts or sweaters, pants.  All sizes for men, women, or children.

If you know where I live, you can drop off the stuff on my porch anytime during that time frame.  There will also be a drop-off spot at my sisters house in Draper if that’s closer for you.  You can e-mail me at [email protected] for an address to drop things off.

If you know anyone else who would be willing/able to participate, please forward this post to them!!  Or feel free to share the post on any of your social media accounts.  The more people we have contributing, the bigger difference we can all make together.

This quote pretty much sums up how I feel about all of this.

“It’s almost like Jesus meant what He said.  When you’re desperate, usually the best news you can receive is food, water, shelter.  These provisions communicate God’s presence infinitely more than a tract or Christian performance in the local park.  They convey, “God loves you so dearly, He sent people to your rescue.”  

I guess that’s why “love people” is the second command next to “love God.”  And since God’s reputation is hopelessly linked to His followers’ behavior, I suspect He wouldn’t be stuck with his current rap if we spent our time loving others and stocking their cabinets.”           Jen Hatmaker

Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.

THANK YOU to everyone who entered the Giveaway.  I think this prize was worth the small effort to enter.  Hopefully the winner can use it to get started (or catch up) on documenting their family story!

The (random) winner is:  Madeleine Brown

Please e-mail me at [email protected] to claim your prize!!

And a sincere thank you to all of my readers.  This whole blogging thing is WAY more work than I ever knew it would be, but it’s fun work (mostly).  And I don’t take it for granted that you spend time in your day to read what I have to write.  I am intentional about what I put on here and put each post through a few “requirements” before they ever hit the blog.  I want to be helpful.  And I want to put more good into the world.   I appreciate all of you for taking time to read and be engaged with this blog community.  Truly.  Thank you.

I work hard to teach my kids gratitude throughout the year as I’m sure all parents do.  I see all these fun ideas on Pinterest how to make thankful trees and thankful jars and thankful everythings, but the truth is, I don’t super dig crafting.  That’s not where I like to spend my time.  So this year, for the month of November, we’re going simple, which in my book is almost always better for me.  I cut up squares of paper.  Each day we write at least ONE thing we’re thankful for (there’s no limit to how many we can write each day) and then we tape those super fancy squares to the wall.  It’s a thankful wall to remind us how much we have to be thankful for. It only took me a week into November to finally get it started.  Story of my life.

Thank you again.  To all of you.  I always appreciate feedback and am more than happy to answer questions if you ever have them.  Please don’t be afraid to ask.  I’m nice.