from the wife of a using addict

If you haven’t read the first post I did about addiction, I recommend you read that first HERE so you understand why I’m posting these articles.

This is written by the wife of an addict who is still in the trenches of fighting addiction on a daily basis.  Still using.  Still lying.  Daily struggling.  And she waits.  And hopes.  And endures as much as she can to keep her family together and support the man she loves. She’s nothing short of incredible.  Stay strong my friend.  I see you and I have all the compassion in the world.

These are “the neighbors next door”.  The family you wouldn’t suspect has an addiction problem.  You truly never know what the people around you are going through.  And if you don’t think you personally know an addict, I promise you do.  You just don’t know it.

Here we go:

“When someone is diagnosed with a disease or an illness, it’s tragic and sad. People gather around and try to ease the burdens of that person and their family. They hold fundraisers and gatherings to lift their spirits. With the disease of addiction it is a little different. You don’t usually find people at your door with a casserole in hand.

People often think the person with addiction problems is the guy on the corner holding a sign, or the homeless man on the streets. In fact, it is your neighbor, church member, friend, sibling, parent, child and even your spouse.

My name is Lindsey and my husband is an addict. My world is a little different than others, (although we all have our trials.) It can be a life of uncertainty. You never know where your life will be in a year, or a month, or even the next day. There is no “fix” for this illness. You never know when it will pop up again. It is always lurking around just waiting for the addict to get weak. As the spouse you can’t fix it, change it, make someone better, or love them enough to make them well.

Some days there is peace and things are good and life is hopeful. Other days I feel like I am going crazy with questions going through my mind like, is my husband really sober today? Is that money he withdrew from the ATM really for lunch?  Is he really going to the gym, or am I going to get a phone call today that he’s in trouble? Is he going to die from this?

You don’t talk to people because they judge, give advice, and gossip.

It can be lonely sometimes when you are in the thick of things. I have found myself sitting on my bathroom floor wondering what I should do but, knowing there is nothing I can do. I cry, I get up, I take care of the kids, I clean the house, and I face another day because there is nothing else to do. I get scared, I feel utter fear, I worry, and I pray…….a lot! I pray that he will stay sober, he won’t hate himself, he won’t get hurt, and he won’t die. I pray for my family, for my kids, and for my own sanity. I pray to know how long I fight until I have to walk away.

I know in my heart my husband doesn’t want this illness just as much as I don’t want him to have it. He wants to be free from it but, it never leaves. We educate ourselves, we get support and we keep going a day at a time.

I know that it’s not an easy life but, I have learned so much from going through it. I have learned not to judge others, to be patient, to love, to be sensitive, and to have faith in God. I know that no matter what He will be there to sustain me.

I have an amazing husband who loves his kids, works hard for his family and is trying every day to stay clean. He might not always succeed but, he is fighting. I am grateful for that. I am grateful he is still in my life, that he is working hard to be the husband he so much desires to be. I am grateful for family who support us, friends who love me, and my beautiful family who I will continue to fight for everyday!”