I have an amazing mom. I also have a lot of amazing mother figures in my life. My own mother, as well as a lot of other mothers around me have all had a huge impact on who I have become. I look up to them. I respect them. And I have no shame saying “Hellllllp me. I have no idea what I’m doing. How should I handle this or this or this?”
While I think following your own mom intuition and doing what you think is best for your kids, because our kids are ours for a reason, I also take all the advice I can get from other moms. Not everything will work for me and my family, but I’m open to listening to anything.
Recently I emailed several moms I know. More “seasoned” mothers and I asked them a series of questions simply because I thought it would be interesting to hear what they said and knew their answers would inspire me (and hopefully others) in one way or another. They were candid, honest, and vulnerable and I SO appreciate their willingness to participate.
Here’s what they had to say:
1. What is one thing you’re glad you did as a parent?
**Gave responsibility
**I don’t believe in shielding kids from hard things in this world. Like addiction. Or financial trouble. Or that parents fight sometimes. I don’t think you need to tell kids every last detail in difficult situations or on tough topics. But they need to know that life is hard. Everyone struggles. And we ALL need help.
**Involved in all my kids activities. Lots of play and vacation time.
**Only one TV in our home! It was in the family room on the main floor of the house. our slogan was “7 or 11”, the public TV stations. This was before the iPhones, tablets, etc. where children now have access to television. This policy helped to foster the love of reading for our family.
**I’m glad I spoiled my kids and gave into them. I’m glad I tried to give them whatever they wanted.
**I am glad I had ALL six of my children. Outside of Utah six is considered a large family and with that size as opposed to one, two or three kids, come more emotional, financial, physical and spiritual demands. But those things are far offset by the joy of now having six wonderful adult eternal friends to love, be proud of, interact with and enjoy.
**Read a lot to my children.
**Vacations with my children. When they grow up you only have memories. I don’t regret any of the money we have spent on travel. We have been lucky to go all over with our kids. When we get together now we love to talk about what we did when we went here or how much fun this places was. It’s also a great time to talk to your kids if you are in the car for hours.
**Stayed consistent as I tried to live gospel principles which helped me to stay strong as a loving disciplinarian. I involved my kids in making the rules and in coming up with accountability and then being consistent in enforcing the rules.
2. What is one thing you’d do differently as a parent?
**Not yell and not clean an already clean house
**I wish I would have taught my kids the value of work and budgeting earlier in their lives.
**Don’t fret over the little things. There are enough “big things” that are important, so don’t worry about the small things.
**I would do much better at getting my kids to earn things. Appreciate what they have. Know how to do hard work even if they hate it. Give them responsibility and then praise them for honoring that responsibility. Even if it’s something as simple as household chores.
**Worry less and enjoy more.
**I would definitely be more chill and not get so uptight about stupid things. I think as a young mom I tried to compete and compare myself to what other mom’s thought I should be doing. We judge each other too much. I’d let my kids have ice cream and donuts for breakfast if they want. Who cares, other than the mom next door….right?
**I wouldn’t saddle my girls with my body image issues. I wish I had simply loved myself for what I was and I wish that I had passed that on to my daughters–not this obsession with weight and image. I hate that I did that. I hate that I still do it. I hate that I judge others by this and I see my daughter’s judge themselves by that criteria.
**I’d spend more time outdoors with them.
**Not get so upset over small things that don’t matter in the long run. I now ask myself “will this matter in 5 or 10 years?” Take the opportunity to teach instead of react.
**I would take some mini vacations with my husband and find someone to take care of the children. With my husband’s profession and church callings, we didn’t leave town much without the children.
3. What is the BEST advice someone else gave you about parenting?
**To trust my own mothering instincts, particularly where my childrens’ health is concerned.
**Best advice: each kid is different. Rules are rules. But kids are different. And how you deal with one kid isn’t necessarily right for another. Know your kids!
**Home is a training camp, not a resort hotel!
**Play with your kids no matter how old they are.
**My dad called me one day and asked how I was doing. I said, “These kids are driving me crazy.” He replied “short drive”. (His advice was to be more chill)
**Remember that kids are more important than the house.
**Don’t worry what other people thing about your parenting because they probably are not thinking about you at all. They are too worried everyone is judging their parenting. you know what is best for your child.
**Choose your battles
**Teach your children how to work, the value of work, and that any work is honorable. Other than my love of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, the most important thing my parents taught me was how to work and how to find joy in work. I tried hard to pass that same philosophy on to my children.
**TEACH. It’s easier and faster to do it yourself but it’s a parents job to teach.
4. What is your parenting “mantra” (your basic philosophy about parenting)?
**Listen, listen, listen! Unconditional love!
**Teach and discipline your kids when they are young. Rules are an important part of raising children. They learn what is expected of them and it gives them guidance and happiness (even if they don’t think it gives them happiness) throughout their childhood ages. Be consistent and always set a good example.
**Have fun and play with your kids a ton. Especially when they are teens. Don’t freak out over small things.
**Get out of the way and let them fly and then encourage them to fly higher.
**The children I have been blessed with are a gift from their Heavenly Father and my role as a mother is as a steward, not a boss nor an owner. I therefore tried to involve Him as much as possible, particularly in times of uncertainty and trouble.
**Kids will rise to the level of the expectations set. Be careful to make sure the expectations are realistic and then go ahead and give the kids responsibilities. Kids like to feel they are a needed essential part of the family.
**I don’t really have a mantra. Just basically kids are people. Treat them as you would want to be treated. Age appropriate of course. no one wants to talked down to or disrespected. Even kids.
**Fake it til you make it. And, I would rather know what my child is doing and disagree than be kept in the dark. This has led to my kids being very open with me.
**Teach by example and love them unconditionally
**If I don’t teach, discipline, or let them know life isn’t fair, who will?
5. Give me one piece of advice for moms with young kids
**Children need to know that not everyone wins, not everyone gets picked, and not everyone loves them
**Hold your ground. Stick to the rules. Teach them early that they are a part of the family and need to contribute.
**I tried to enjoy each state of raising our family and 30 years later, I’m not too sad that it’s over, because I enjoyed it along the way and frankly, I’m tired.
**This too shall pass. Young kids are just hard. It’s just a trying and difficult time in life. I didn’t have a mom around to help me out and I could really have used a few hours every now and then to just be alone. I really admire the fathers along the course of a race that have the kids cheering on their moms (referring to an actual running race). I just want to stop and hug that man for giving his wife some time without the kids. Kudos to that dad. I think I could have been a better mom if I would have had some time for ME. Not in a selfish way.
**Be careful of precedents set and expectations. Teach them when they are little to contribute to the “work” of a family as well as the “play”. Teach them to appreciate things. Even things like food. And warm blankets. A family that cares. Big huge Christmas’ and birthdays when they’re little only get SUPER expensive when they are older. And some things are done as a family. Start that when they are little.
**Don’t worry so much about things. Put down the dishes, your phone, the book you are reading or whatever keeps you from playing with your kids–they will still be there later. Get down on the floor and play with them. Talk to them so they know they are the most important thing to you at that moment. When they grow up they will know you are there for them whenever they need someone.
**Having a regular and fairly frequent time set aside for escape from the children (and the husband, if needed) to do something that will rejuvenate and refresh and relieve the frenzied mom and help her to renew her quest for the joy in the journey. Also, stay realistic about how tidy your house should be when unexpected guests drop by.
**Read to your children, even when they can read to themselves. Start a book collection for them to keep and then pass on to their children. Our oldest daughter took her book collection, stored in an under-the-bed container, when she went off to college. She told me that it was her “security blanket”
**Hug them more, rock them more (even when they’re teenagers), lie down on the bed with them at night and talk, give more back rubs, hold hands, kiss them even in public, and hug them some more.
**Don’t fight their battles. Listen to them, come up with a plan, role play with them, talk about the consequences of their choices, be there to support them, but stay in the background. Let them learn how to face people. That is how they will be able to think for themselves and be able to problem solve when they are older.
6. Give me one piece of advice for moms with teens
**Be home after school when they come home. At night go from room to room to talk to the children and teens. Listen! I always waited up for the teens after their dates. The porch lights were on and other lights in the house, so the date always knew someone was waiting!
**You are not their friend. But it’s ok to be friends. I guess that means that it’s important to take an interest in what they are “in to”. To listen to the crazy things they do and say with friends. To not mock or overly criticize. But when it’s time to stand up and be the parent, then DO IT. Kids need to know that they are protected and watched out for. And that there are boundaries. Sometimes you have to call them out even when it’s uncomfortable for either or both of you.
**Trust until they prove to you that you can’t. Don’t make threats you’re not willing to follow through with. And if they take something they don’t pay for they will get diarrhea.
**Let them know they are NOT entitled!!
**I LOVED the teen years. Don’t stress over small things. Like hair for instance. In perspective, hair is nothing. My son went from looking like a white supremacist to looking like a character in a Japanese anime in one year. Ha. It’s hair!!! Something bigger is bound to be around the corner. **Make sure they know their mom loves them no matter what they do or how grouchy or inconsistent or weird they are.
**Let kids experience the consequences of their choices so that they can learn to make good choices early, while there is a safety net.
**Listen to the feelings you get. Your teen will go through many many things they need to talk about but may not know how to start. Ask them hard questions that you may not want to know the answers to but need to know. If you are approachable not only will your child come to you but so will their friends.
**Give them a grace period. Example: curfew is midnight–if you aren’t home by 12:10 you better have called me to tell me why.
**Your teens act how you treat them. If the teens are always told they are a pain, or that they think they know everything, or that they are disrespectful, etc. they will act like that. Teenagers get a bad rap–I loved my kids teenage years. They were some of the most fun years that we had together. Also, keep the communication lines open and don’t over-react if you don’t like what you hear.
**Two pieces: First, LISTEN. Don’t try to solve their problems. Let them learn to solve their problems while they’re talking it out. Keep asking questions that allow them to get to the solution. Secondly, be fun! Even if your kids tell you that you embarrass them, do it anyway. Hang with their friends. Hug their friends. Make their friends feel welcome in your home. Write cute notes on the outside of their lunch sacks for the world to see. Send notes and extra snacks in your kids’ lunches for their friends. Chaperone dances and parties.
7. What is your greatest strength as a mother?
**Our children tell me that it is patience and listening.
**From my daughter: You are very compassionate. You don’t judge us kids, you are ALWAYS there for us no matter what we did, what time it was. No matter what, love always motivates your decisions.
**My desire and my effort to be a good mom.
**I think my greatest strength as a mom is communicating with my kids. Whether it’s verbal or in action. They talk to me. They tell me stuff. But we can also just be quiet together. “Hang out” with no pressure. We have had to face some hard stuff and they know I’m there. We can talk. I will listen. What they say and how they feel matters to me. I am on their side.
**I can admit to my kids when I’m wrong, or when I have really blown it. I have had to tell them I’m sorry so many times. I have a tendency to over-react, then I calm down and realize they were right. I also love to laugh with them.
**I try to be a good example of what I preach…pray for help, listen to the spirit, be responsible with your commitments to others, help others, read for fun, go to bed early, etc., etc.
**The ability to be in the background. I didn’t try to be best friends with my kids friends. I did not join them when they were hanging out. I definitely knew all their friends and they knew me. They knew that I was a mom who was present in my kids life. It has been hard to stay in the background once my kids were married. I did it and have always been glad I kept my mouth shut. I feel like I have very strong independent kids because I am their mom, not their best friend (although sometimes I am that too).
**Communication. Always there to talk and help. My kids still love to hang with me.
**Allowing my children and me to not like each other and in some cases actually hate each other. These feelings have nothing to do with the love you share–it’s normal.
**Publicly acknowledging in front of my kids how amazing/smart/talented/kind/successful my children are. I know that people sometimes hate the parents that talk about how great their kids are but who cares? You care about your kids. I wanted my kids to hear me tell the world how proud I was to be their mother. Yes, they are human, but my kids are amazing!
8. What is one of your favorite traditions you did with your kids?
**having dinner–such great conversations
**Being home when they got home from school. We had most of our conversations in the kitchen whether it was eating freshly baked cookies, or while I was making dinner, or when I was trying to help someone with schoolwork. We had a lot of communication, planning of schedules, and laughing about everyone’s day.
**The Christmas pickle–Santa hides it and whoever finds it after all the presents have been opened gets an extra present. My married kids still want to be in on it.
**Annual trip. Every Christmas they get an envelope that announces where our family trip is that year.
**We have so many traditions for so many stupid reasons, but we love them. For instance, every December on small business Saturday we drive into Salt Lake and buy pastries and cookies from local bakeries. During the Super Bowl we play games instead of watching it. We still play Sardines.
**We travel with our kids. A lot. And we enjoy it. They are fun to be around. We enjoy each others company. It’s making memories. Another is I always make sure they are reading. Then we pass the books through the family. It helps bring up discussions. Things to talk or think about.
**Regular Sunday dinners together.
**For Christmas, I gave them a keepsake book to read (find books by word of mouth, other authors they have enjoyed, or books that you have read.). This tradition continues with our 30 grandchildren.
**Traveling and reading. Take your kids places. See the world. Let your children see how the rest of the world lives. When we were younger and before we could afford to travel the world, we invited exchange students into our home. Also, read and read and read. WE often read the books before we would go to the movies. Instead of Christmas pajamas or Christmas ornaments for the kids, we gave a Christmas book on every Christmas Eve.
9. What is your favorite thing about being a parent?
**They always turn to me when they need help. They always need their mom. I love that my kids need me.
**I think the whole process of being a parent is amazing. Being responsible for this life. Realizing the amount of love you can have for someone else. All the sacrifices you make on their behalf: time, money, sleep, opportunities, SANITY and loving them for it. How weird is that? I love watching them learn and grow and struggle and be proud of themselves. It’s crazy how happy you can be FOR them and how sad you can be WITH them. It’s awesome on occasions that they realize parents aren’t stupid. That we may actually know a thing or two because we were once actually kids. Just the whole process is something I wouldn’t give up for anything. Change a few things, maybe. Give it up….NEVER.
**Ending up with them all being my best friends
**It’s all I’ve ever wanted to be. I LOVE being a mom and LOVE being a grandma even more! I love the noise and even the mess of having all my children around me.
**That my children are my friends, they give me advice, and help me throughout my life as I try to continue to help them. And the very best thing now about being a parents it that they have given me wonderful grandchildren to enjoy.
**Being around long enough to see my children reach adulthood and have children of their own, and to watch them experience the joys and challenges of parenthood, and to see them being such good parents.
**Having my children turn into my friends.
**Watching my kids learn and grow and realize they can do anything they set their mind to with hard work and dedication.
**The pride I feel in my children’s accomplishments. Their successes were so much more rewarding to me than my own successes were.
**I always have a friend. My daughter had a rough senior year with friends. Every Friday and Saturday we would hang out together. We had quite the bond. My kids are my best friends. I love the relationship I have with my adult children.
**The joy that comes in their successes, and the lessons and learning they glean as they face challenges.
Lots of good “pearls of wisdom” as my dad would say. And definitely some things I’ve taken to heart.
One last bit of parenting wisdom I love from a book I am currently reading, For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards
“A good parent prepares the child for the path, not the path for the child. We can still demonstrate gentle and attached parenting without raising children who melt on a warm day.”
And with that I say, parent on my people. Love those little people. Love those big people. Trust your intuition. Don’t fret over the small stuff. And don’t forget to take time to be you.
[Suggestion–have your OWN mom answer these questions. I guilt my mom into participating in all of my “fun projects” and I love reading her answers the most. She’s wise, but it’s also super interesting to see her perspective on parenting. You’ll probably benefit from hearing what your own moms have to say.]
Spot on linds! Great advice. .great insight!
Love this! Thanks Lindsay!
Thanks for this! Such great ideas.
Thanks Annie! And thanks for participating. 🙂